The Summer People Cometh
A White Russian Comedy
on the rocks
Characters
Ranevskayaraslaval, GLUBA Antonionionovna - stuck in the past , bores easily
ANYA, her daughter - keeps getting lost and is studying Japanese
Vavavavavra Mikhailovnomina (VARYA) - a none
Liyonya Liyonyi (GAEV) - delusional snooker player
LOPAKHIN ‘The Tractor’ Ermolaiai - didn’t get into Princeton and is still pissed off
TROFIMOV- son of a pharmacist but it doesn’t matter
DEAR MR PISCHIK - a horse
Lotte Ivanovnononanette (CHARLOTTA) - a wandering minstrel
EPIDURAL S. Panteloonyvich - paints by numbers and decapitates flies
DUNYASHA - daughter of Smirnoff Stoli of Minsk
FIERS - an old man with tourettes
YASHA - cucumber salesman and wine snob
The role of the stage Manager is played by (in this case) Lorna*
*or whomever you wish to embarrass semi-publicly but not our current, brilliant stage manager
The Play starts with the start-up sound of Microsoft XP. Right away the audience will know that they are in for a new, improved and technophobe-friendly production.
The soundtrack is playing ‘California Dreamin’ and ‘I wish they all could be California girls’.
The music stops abruptly.
A toilet flushes.
Act One
A barren yet cluttered stage. There is a sofa, 2 chairs. A large rug and a table centre stage. Upstage right is a bookcase on which are a pile of letters and a gun.
LOPAKHIN: Why didn’t you wake me?
DUNYASHA: You are awake
LOPAKHIN: Get me some kvass, slag
DUNYASHA: Fine [exits giving LOPAKHIN the finger]
[enter EPIDURAL holding a candle and a pair of boots]
EPIDURAL: Squeak Squeak Squeak say my boots. And then they say it’s either very cold out or it’s the middle of May. I confuse myself and everyone around me. I read a book once on spear fishing in the Arctic but my boots won't quiet and I can’t remember anything. And now I will exit sideways, like a crab, just to be weird.
[Dogs bark]
DUNYASHA: They’re here!They’re here! Here’s your kvass. I’m trembling!
LOPAKHIN [yawning]: Here goes nothing
[DUNYASHA drinks the kvass]
[DUNYASHA and LOPAKHIN exit]
[Dogs bark again]
[The stage is empty]
[The stage is empty]
[The stage is empty]
[Dogs bark]
[FIERS enters with three ‘Hello Kitty’ suitcases]
FIERS: Tubular bells MY ASS.
[GLUBA, GAEV, ANYA, VARYA, CHARLOTTA, DEAR MR PISCHIK, LOPAKHIN and DUNYASHA enter.
So do 6 latecomers. There is no house manager and the stage manager is in the bathroom. Everyone stands around looking confused. Finally VARYA ushers them to empty seats where the patrons then start complaining about the sight lines]
GLUBA: I see dead people
ANYA: Oh mama, how I understand you
VARYA: Everyone must go to sleep. It’s almost time to wake up
FIERS: It’s a disaster. Just like before. And the time before that. When the owls hooted all night.
GAEV: Yes, I remember, before the night of the Generals. Balls. Everywhere. Yellow, red and white.
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!
[A loud train whistle followed by sounds of carriages driving up to the house]
DUNYASHA [wringing her hands]: Oh my. They’ve arrived. I’m so nervous my hands are shaking. Let us go meet them. [looks around and realises everyone has already arrived]. Oh.
[she exits]
[CHARLOTTA takes off her coat and puts it back on again]
CHARLOTTA: MAGIC!
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!
ANYA: I lost all my hairpins!!
CHARLOTTA: MAGIC!
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!
GLUBA: So...where's the fire?
LOPAKHIN: You need to sell the estate to pay the taxes on the debt you incurred from not paying the interest on the taxes that could have indemnified you in perpetuity sub rosa and we close at 5
GAEV: Balls
FIERS: In the olden days.
GAEV: I have an announcement
ANYA and VARYA: Shut up Uncle
GAEV: Silence! I am very pleased to announce that this little bookcase has consented to be my wife!
ALL: Congratulations! Fabulous! Mazal Tov! Felicitaciones! Who knew? When’s the happy day? More kvass! Champagne!
[VARYA bangs her head against the wall]
[Exeunt Omnes]
[Enter DUNYASHA]
[Dogs barking]
DUNYASHA: Oh me, oh my, what is to become of me
[YASHA rises from the sofa]
DUNYASHA: YASHA! Whoa! Look at you! Hubba hubba! I need some air. Wowza!
YASHA: Who are you?
DUNYASHA: I’m Feyodor Feyodorovno Kozoyaydovnorovitcher Feyodorskia Kozoyayanitsky’s daughter.
I’m lusty yet coy.
YASHA: Do you want a cucumber?
DUNYASHA: How dare you! [she slaps him]
[They exit]
[CHARLOTTA enters pushing a wheelbarrow. She takes out an imaginary baguette and waves it around her head three times, bows to the audience and wheels the barrow out]
[A thud is heard from the booth]
[ANYA and TROFIMOV enter]
TROFIMOV: My father was a pharmacist, not that it matters but if he gave me the keys to his chemistry lab, I could go into the poppy business and use the money to free the peasants and open up daycare centres and start the Russian film industry
ANYA: I’m so happy
[They sing ‘I am 16 going on 17’]
END ACT ONE
Act Two
[A drawing of a tree has been hung on the wall to indicate that we are now outside]
DUNYASHA is painting YASHA’s toenails
EPIDURAL is playing the kazoo
CHARLOTTA is twirling plates
CHARLOTTA: Once, a long time ago, a German person told me that my parents were dead and took me away.
I studied the art of restoring ancient tapestries. Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know.
My father and mother discovered Mercury. Then they discovered cold fusion and taught me how to freeze ice-cream using only a sieve and a mallett. I just made that up.
My passport is made of fairy dust and I have three toes on one hand and and two more toes in my left ear. I have three hips and eat only cauliflower. Kidding, you naive prols. Seriously though, I led church services for orphans whose parents were wiped out in the Valley of the Shadow of Death during the Crimean war. I sang hymns in a creepy sing-song voice and plucked and strangled chickens and made paintings out of feathers and entrails. I’m a fan of John Lee Hooker and wash my hair 4 times a day. I also have migraines and I’m 30% sure I’m still an only child. I would stay away from the lobster bisque if I were you.
EPIDURAL: Kazoos aren’t native to these parts I thought to myself. Maybe a triangle or a tambourine would be more articulated in the place where I stand. I read books, I can stand on my head, the grass is always greener and I flourish when the capacity of the world is delving towards the native species. I have a gun in my pocket. See?
[he waves his hands around]
[YASHA yawns. Loudly]
[DUNYASHA twirls her hair]
DUNYASHA: Yasha
YASHA: Hm?
DUNYASHA: Yasha
YASHA: What
DUNYASHA: Oh nothing [she giggles]
[A loud train whistle followed by sounds of carriages driving up to the house. The air conditioning goes on]
YASHA: Oh Jesus God. What the fuck?
EPIDURAL: Now I know what to do with my revolver
FIERS [offstage]: You Nicompoop
DUNYASHA: I, I, I...[collapses in giggles]
CHARLOTTA: I’m done. I’m going now.
[Exeunt Omnes]
[Enter GLUBA, GAEV, LOPAKHIN, VARYA and ANYA and DEAR MR PISCHIK]
LOPAKHIN: The estate will be auctioned off and then what will you do?
GLUBA: All this talk is so boring. I want coffee
VARYA: You can’t have coffee now, it’s past noon
[FIERS enters with a samovar]
FIERS: In the olden days we would drink tea like normal people but then came the calamity
GAEV: I’m working at the bank, then my dear little bookcase will be able to stay home
ANYA and VARYA: Dear uncle dear, shut up
GAEV: Balls
FIERS: Thursday
[A cell phone rings. We hear the stage manager say ‘Sorry everyone. I thought I left it in the car’]
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!
[TROFIMOV enters]
TROFIMOV: I’m above love
ANYA: I’m so happy
GLUBA: Are you...can it be? Grisha! Grisha! You have come back to me!
VARYA: Mamochka , no. It is Trofimov. Pyotr. Sergeyevich. A. Student.
DEAR MR PISCHIK: A man of great intellect! Imagine that!
GLUBA: You have betrayed me. Where is God now??
[A bird sings]
GLUBA: Is God on our coins? Let me see. Alas no. I have but one coin left. A coin my Trans-Yaroslavl grandmother sent me
LOPAKHIN: Listen to me. Although I hate all you people, I am giving you one last chance to somehow keep this old junkyard.
FIERS: There used to be a cherry orchard on this very spot but something happened and it is all forgotten now
LOPAKHIN: Exactly. And there is a beautiful deep river [VARYA is making ‘shut up, slitting throat’ gestures but LOPAKHIN ignores her] where the summer people could come and swim and fish and swim deeper and fall asleep on a raft and swim ever deeper...
FIERS: And then the boy drowned
GLUBA: I’m going to cry, scream, or faint. I can’t take it anymore
LOPAKHIN: Exactly what I was going to say
[Music is heard in the distance]
GLUBA: What is that?
GAEV: Do you not remember sister? It’s the famous...[trying not to laugh]... the famous...[almost guffawing] Jewish Orchestra [he totally loses it]
GLUBA: NO! Really? Jews?? Are you kidding me? They’re still around??? Shut the front door!!!
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Jews! Imagine that!
FIERS:In the olden days, before the calamity, the Jews had horns
[Everyone falls about laughing]
[VARYA stops first]
VARYA: It is time to go in. It’s getting cold and I have to continue being cranky for a few more hours
GLUBA: You need to get....married
VARYA: I want to but [stage whisper] YOU KNOW WHO hasn’t proposed yet
[A Passerby stumbles in, recites Pushkin, burps and leaves]
ANYA: Was that YASHA?
EPIDURAL: Yes, it behooves me to believe it was
ANYA: And who are you?
EPIDURAL: Never mind me. I am a speck of a speck of a speck of dirt under your shoe
[YASHA enters as YASHA]
ANYA: I’m so happy
VARYA: ANYA! ANYA! WHERE ARE YOU??
ANYA: Here I am
VARYA: ANYA!!! ANYA!! Its’ time to come in. Where ARE you?? ANYA????
YASHA: Morons
END ACT TWO
During the Intermission several actors come on stage and start texting. LOPAKHIN carries a 30oz iced tea from Starbucks. A bench is brought on and placed next to the bookcase cutting off the upstage right exit. Another gun is placed on the bookcase. EPIDURAL stands looking at them. CHARLOTTA cautions the audience to remain silent during the last act.
’It’s Raining Men’ plays
The lights go down and the music changes to The Red Army Chorus singing ‘New York, New York’
[DEAR MR PISCHIK and TROFIMOV are discovered on the bench. They are playing a version of ‘patty-cake’]
TROFIMOV: ‘Heidegger n’ Tolstoy sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g’.
The small are always dependent on the great; they are "small" precisely because they think they are independent. The great thinker is one who can hear what is greatest in the work of other "greats" and who can transform it in an original manner.
DEAR MR PISCHIK: I can recite the alphabet backward [He sings, ‘ If I were a Rich Man’]
[VARYA enters]
VARYA: Stop singing. There’s no food. We have no money and people don’t lock the doors.
If no one does what I say, I’ll become a pilgrim and go from town to lousy town complaining and feeling bitter about this joke of a life. Why is Epidural here? Does he live here? There are so many rooms in this house I can’t keep track. And Yasha’s mother has been crouched by the ice box for 2 ½ weeks. What is happening to us. May God forgive us all. ANYA!! Where are you? ANYA! [She exits with a broom]
[The air conditioning goes off]
[GLUBA and CHARLOTTA enter]
GLUBA[with her fingers in her ears]: Tra la la la la I can’t hear you
CHARLOTTA: Is this it? I was going to put on a show but why bother when I only see three people
EPIDURAL: Buckle said that suicide is merely the product of the general condition of society, and that the individual felon only carries into effect what is a necessary consequence of preceding circumstance and I must say that I can only but agree with him
CHARLOTTA: You are invisible to me and let me tell you,I know something about being invisible and alone. And to prove to you how very alone I am I will cover myself with this shawl and stand stock still for the rest of the act
DEAR MR PISCHIK: I’m in love
CHARLOTTA [mumbling under the shawl]: Ich bin ein Berliner. Ja, das ist recht und der u-bahn goest unter der linden und ich think that if ich were as kranky as die reste ov ze familie ich would be as miserable und dumb as thesen dumbkopfs. Meine welt ist dark und ich must finde somvere to live. Und as Gustav Mahler said, ‘Ich lebe wie ein Hottentotten. Ich kann nicht tauschen ein vernünftiges Wort mit jemandem’
DEAR MR PISCHIK: What a temptress!
GLUBA: Petya, come to me and tell me tall tales
PETYA: Why do you not read the telegrammes from Paris? Are you so lazy as to think that the postal workers do not suffer under your indolence? I am a great student although I am constantly amazing myself with the will of the people. Rights for the Peasants! Rights for Women! I’m all in for Suffrage. Stand up for your rights!
I am dizzy with love for the future.
I will now read from ‘Das Kapital’ but will do so in Esperanto. The language of hope!
O Tannenbaum!
[FIERS enters]
FIERS: In the olden days
[FIERS exits]
[YASHA enters by climbing over the bench]
YASHA: I forgot to give you your dolls
GLUBA: I thought I was feeling undeterred by truth
PETYA: The opiate of the masses is alive and well. My father was a pharmacist. Not that it matters
DEAR MR PISCHIK: I’ve had two strokes and know one or two things about pills. Let me have them and give myself a third and final stroke
YASHA: Strong as a horse. Stupid as a pig
PETYA: In Russia we say; Strong LIKE horse, stupid LIKE pig
YASHA: Oh the ignorance
VARYA [offstage]: Yasha, your mother is waiting
YASHA: Still? Hasn’t she croaked yet. Oh, you foolish old people. Who is it who lets you live. I need a drink [exits]
[GAEV and LOPAKHIN enter laughing]
GAEV: Balls! he said.
LOPAKHIN: Hello, he lied!
GAEV: Proprietary oils are all the rage in Kharkov I hear...
[They both laugh uncontrollably ]
LOPAKHIN:I can’t believe he ate the whole thing...
GAEV [putting on a funny voice]: It smells like Patchouli!!
[They are doubled over, tears running down their faces]
[FIERS enters]
LOPAKHIN: And anchovies!
GAEV: Oh Boo-Hoo! Cry me a herring! [he screams with laughter]
FIERS: Leonid Andreyevich, have you no shame? It is time for your bath and bedtime story
GAEV: Balls
[The air conditioning comes on]
GLUBA: Well, was there an auction or whatever I came all the way from Paris for?
LOPAKHIN: The train was late. It left Znoikov at 3:30 and stopped by Cardamonov. Then it was overtaken by a train that had left Chicago...
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!
LOPAKHIN:... going 80 miles per hour which had to wait for the Coastal Starlight to reach Denver. By that time the auction was over and, not to beat a dead horse, the orchard and surrounding lands have been sold!
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Who bought it?
LOPAKHIN: Who do you think?
DEAR MR PISCHIK: I did?
[Charlotta throws the shawl at him]
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Did I?
CHARLOTTA: Get thee to a glue factory [she exits]
LOPAKHIN: Try again
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Um...
GLUBA: So. The Cherry Orchard and surrounding lands sold. If this is truly so, who then,bought it?
LOPAKHIN: I did
[The air conditioning goes off]
GLUBA: Well this has been a waste of time. Yasha! Pack my bags, we’re going back to Paris toot sweet
END ACT THREE
Act FOUR
‘American Idiot’ plays. A train whistle blows.
Sheets cover both the furniture and Charlotta, who is on stilts. Her sheet has a hole cut out at the mouth in case she decides she wants to speak. She stands very still.
The sound of trees being chopped down comes and goes.
LOPAKHIN [calling offstage]: Come on people. It’s time to go. The train pulls into the station in about [looks at his prop watch which promptly falls off his wrist]...uh, forty-six minutes. This leaves you [looking at his bare wrist] approximately twenty-two minutes before the carriages get here. Then you will have just enough time, say about, seventeen minutes or so to sit in the train cafe and attend to various needs before the long trip to Moscow. Or Paris. Wherever you’re going in, um, about forty-four minutes [the audience sighs]
[Yasha enters with some coats. He is distracted]
YASHA: Well I’m here.
LOPAKHIN: Have some champagne [there is no champagne]. Ah, there is no champagne. Maybe someone drank it.
YASHA: What?
LOPAKHIN: The champagne. It is gone.
YASHA: That is correct [turns upstage, facing Lopakhin and says, ‘Lorna freaking farted a most mellifluous fart and we forgot what we were supposed to set. Sorry ‘bout that, man]
LOPAKHIN [shouting]: AHA! But it cost eight whole rubles!!
YASHA: Whatever man. You win some, you lose some.
[Petya enters]
PETYA: Where are my galoshes? Anya! Where are my galoshes?
ANYA [offstage]: How the hell should I know? What am I your fucking slave?
YASHA: Honeymoon’s over , I guess.
LOPAKHIN: Whoa! Soooo touchy!
[Lopakhin and Petya exit]
CHARLOTTA: All men are pigs
[Gaev enters]
GAEV: Yikes the women are moody. Good thing I have my pretend job at the bank. That keeps me out of the house most of the day. I’m going down to the pool hall. Say goodbye to Gluba for me. Don’t tell on me.
[Gaev exits]
[Fiers enters. He is wearing a hospital gown and is carrying a bedpan]
FIERS [calling out]: Leonid Andreyevich, have you no shame? You have forgot to put on your thermal vest. Dear, dear. What price freedom [he shuffles off ]
YASHA: Fiers, you old bent sack of a man, have you no shame. PUT ON SOME UNDERWEAR. God I hate old people.
[Dunyasha enters. Her face is scrunched up and she is wringing her hands]
YASHA: Now what?
DUNYASHA: Yasha
YASHA: Mm?
DUNYASHA: Oh Yasha. Why don’t you love me anymore?
YASHA: What’s that?
DUNYASHA: Did you ever notice that...I’m too shy to say it out loud...
YASHA: Oh Christ. What is it woman?
DUNYASHA: Um.. have you ever noticed that, like, our names are, like, almost the same? You know, Yasha-DunYasha.
YASHA: Your point being?
DUNYASHA: Like, maybe we’re, like, meant to be with each other and stuff
YASHA: No. We aren’t [suddenly serious] Look, this place bores the crap out of me and I’ve got a free ride back to Paris. I have a life there and you belong here. Learn to love the little things, be of good service and above all, don’t cry. It does no one any good. [Dunyasha cries] I don’t love you and it’s not me, it’s you. I have aspirations, you have none. I have to go now, but in parting, I can offer you a juicy cucumber
DUNYASHA: You’re a bastard and I hate you
YASHA: A bastard, yes. But a bastard with a heart of gold
[Dunyasha slaps him, he kisses her hand and they exit. ]
The ‘Doctor Zhivago’ soundtrack begins playing
[Lopakhin enters]
LOPAKHIN: Where is everyone?
[Gluba enters]
GLUBA: It’s almost time to go. I’m leaving. We’ll never see each other again but we won’t forget. We can’t ever forget. Anya! Varya! Come! I was young once and so very beautiful...
LOPAKHIN: Well, if you ever need anything...
[Anya and Varya enter]
ANYA: Mother dear. You are off to Paris and I am off to study the Haiku. When shall we see each other again? Life can be so beautiful and filled with happiness. I’m crying because I’m happy. Goodbye Mr Lopakhin. Take good care of this place. It holds many happy memories. I wish you all the best.
Sayonara, house. Sayonara, room. Sayonara, cow jumping over the moon. Sayonara, three little bears sitting on chairs. Sayonara, two little kittens and a pair of mittens. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. I am so happy.
[Anya exits]
VARYA: Well.
GLUBA: Well, well
LOPAKHIN: Well, well, well
GLUBA: Oh, silly me. I have forgot my... [she exits]
[Awkward silence]
LOPAKHIN: Where will you go Vavariya Mikahelnovnva?
VARYA: Oh, I’m off to the Convent of the Ragulins, I guess. Nothing else seems to be in the offing.
LOPAKHIN: Ah. When will you leave?
VARYA: Soon. Very Soon. Well soonish. As soon as I’ve found my... now where did I put it.
Did I put in in a trunk?
Did I put it in a tree?
I’ve looked in both
Yet cannot see.
Did I put it in a cup?
Did I feed it to a pup?
Did I throw it down a well?
Did I use it as a bell?
It’s very strange how things get lost
One might suspect a bright riposte
As answer to eternal quests
Is it outside?
Inside at rest?
I do not know
What I have done
I could have schemed
Or screamed
Or run
But lest we all forget the theme
Which is the ancient word for meme
I seek it here
I seek it there
Come see this Orchard
At The Pear
For though we are as mortals be
Our laughter, fears and Fiers....
OH MY GOD. Where is Fiers???
Is he in the hospital? And what about the letter that was supposed to go with him.
Why do I always have to do everything myself
[Varya stomps off]
[Gluba enters]
GLUBA: Well it’s time to go
LOPAKHIN: Yes, it’s time to go
GLUBA: Let’s go
[Epidural enters. Hat in hand]
LOPAKHIN: Ah! There you are
EPIDURAL: Yes. Here I am. As usual. A beating awaits my every step.
GLUBA: Dear Epidural, what will you do? Where will you go?
[The lights come down and Epidural steps into a spotlight and misses]
EPIDURAL [in a monotone]: I have this hat but what good has it done me. All I do is wait. Wait for what though. That is the question. Oh ha ha ha. I could have been a contender. You looking at me? Here’s looking at you! I was born a poor black child and everyday a new disaster befalls me. I bet you were all waiting to hear that line and jokes about the 22 disasters or the 47% or the 99%. I am just a poor boy, though my story’s seldom told. I am leaving, I am leaving. I am gone
[Exeunt pursued by a bear]
[Lights partially come up]
[The sound of a very large door being locked is heard]
LOPAKHIN: Well then.
[Dear Mr Pischik runs in. He is out of breath]
GLUBA: Dear Mr Pischik! Do sit down [she looks around for a chair but as everything is covered in sheets, no chairs are to be seen]. Oh.
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Such good news! A most unusual thing! My daughter won the lottery! Imagine that!
[General confusion and happiness]
GLUBA: How wonderful. But, you have a daughter?
LOPAKHIN: The lottery eh? So you didn’t work for it. I’ll take your daughter as payment.
DEAR MR PISCHIK: I can die now
FIERS [offstage]: That’s my line
DEAR MR PISCHIK: Yes of course. What an unusual day. I am going to take a cart into town to celebrate. Goodbye dear lady.
[He exits and re-enters]
Just call me Mr. Ed
[He dies]
Imagine that!
[He dies again]
GLUBA: Goodbye dear house, I must be going.
LOPAKHIN: Yes please, it is time to go. I have orchards to clear cut and rivers to pollute. Come now, we mustn't be late for the train.
[They leave]
[Charlotta jumps off her stilts]
CHARLOTTA: I’ll wear this sheet and go around the countryside scaring the little people. Then I’ll make my way to Hollywood, and wait for the Pictures to get small
[She leaves]
[Fiers enters and sits on a bench]
FIERS: I’ll just sit here. A diversion will come along and what do we do? We let it go to waste...In an instant all will vanish and we’ll be alone once more, in the midst of nothingness!
[A tree falls]
[No one hears it]
THE END
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It was THE move that picked up on the otiose side of my character (see - I do still use my rudimentary Latin : otiosus, "idle, at leisure," from otium, "leisure."). THE move that I thought was only supposed to last four years. 
