The Case of the Missing Husbands and what we found there

Act 1
Where we find out exactly who is who and who they think they are

Lights come up. Sounds of a party. Laughter, glasses clinking.

The Chipmunk, sung by David Seville and the Chipmunks  is playing in the distance.

A voice comes over the loudspeaker: 'Crew to headset please. Crew to headset'

Lights go off.

Lights come back on

Jefferson "Hussein" Clinton carrying a tray of drinks saunters downstage.

JHC: Give me your tired, your poor. Hold up now. You ain't poor. I knows that for a fact. 
So scratchy scratch that ole poem and let's start this shit again. 
Howdy, howdy, howdy white folks. I bet you is a scared bunch of crackers trying to figure out what this black man is doing here.  Well let me let you in on a little ole secret. Mah name is Jefferson "Hussein" Clinton. Now doncha all go and get your panties in a twist 'cause mah middle name is Hussein. That's just a shortcut. Mah real name, for reals is Tor Omorade Obafemi Negasi Khari Damba Adeyemi but my nickname is Hussein which means 'little kitten'.  So quit your bellyaching and let's get on with the show.

I've been hired in this here house to be the valet or somethin'. Ain't entirely clear since I'm not sure what this cat is doing in this hugger-mugger town. But what the hey.  I have fun making fun of you people, so let's start the introducin'!

Lights go out

JHC: Sheeyt man

Lights come up

Lanky Laura Chiltern stands on a pedestal down stage left

JHC: Let's start with our hostess.
There she is Miss America for all the world to see. She's made out of ice and I have to move her into the dining room and scoop some caviar onto the hem of her gown in a minute but first, here come two of Washington's most annoying wives.
Olive and OY'l. Members of the Yiddish Choristers often seen 'round town dressed as a pantomime horse.

Olive: I'm bored

OY'l: I'm bored

Olive: I said it first

OY'l: But I said it last, so I'm right

Olive: No you're not

OY'l: Am two

Olive: That's supposed to be too

OY'l: What is

Olive: It's too not two

OY'l: (all of a sudden in a deep Mississippi accent) (you mean dialect) (No, I mean accent)

       Now I just do not know whaaaat you are speaking about Olive. And I need to sit down.

She sits on the stairs

OY'l: Now thaat's better

Olive: I don't know what to do.  You're sitting. I'm standing. I'm confused.

No No Nanjac enters

No No Nanjac: Being confused is so boring

JHC: That's No No Nanjac. A doppler effect

No No Nanjac: Excuse me while I go and find a boring drink. A budweiser, perhaps? Or maybe tap water or watered down orange juice. Ah, life is barely worth thinking about.

Olive: Don't I just have the best dress ever!

OY'l: Mine's like a burlap bag.

Olive: I KNOW

OY'l: I hate you

Olive: I know

No No Nanjac exits.

Governor Captain General Goering is seen at the top of the stairs

JHC: And now we have our resident Nazi. Things ought to look up from here on.

Governor Goering! Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Fremde, etranger, stranger. Gluklich zu sehen, je suis enchante. Happy to see you, bleibe, reste stay...

Governor Goering walks down the stairs to Olve and OY'l

Governor Goering: Guden Abend, bon soir, We geht's? Comment ca va?

Olive and Oy'l: We're not Jewish

Governor Goering: Never thought you were. Too stupid.

OY'l to Olive: Is that two stupid or what? I'm going to cry

Olive: Shut up already

Tammy Teenager enters. She's on the 'phone

JHC: Now heeeere's one piece of ass I wouldn't be caught dead with. This little one has a penchant for BDSM. She looks like Mary Pickford but don't you be taken in by her charms 'cause she'll cut you. Seriously. I mean it. Stay away. Like really.

Tammy: OMG. Totally. NO WAY. oh oh POS. TT4N
Hey Guv. Where's your naughty son? No offense.

Governor Goering: None taken. Aber Ich don't know vere he ist.

They continue to chat as Mrs. Mark-My-Words and Roz Evily enter. Mrs Mark-My-Words is clad in all sable and Roz Evily in all red.  She has a tail and horns and frogs come out of her mouth when she speaks.

JHC: Mrs. Mark-My-Words is...um.. has...hair. Here she is. Hair...sheeyt. And may I introduce Roz Evily to everyone but Lanky Laura

Mrs Mark-My-Words: Laura. Laura! Come down off that thing and say hello to my new best friend Roz Evily

Laura speaks and pearls fall from her mouth. She's also sprouted angel wings

Laura: I'm surprised she hasn't changed her name by now

Mrs Mark-My-Words: Oh Laura, really. Drinks. Hey You! Boy! Bring me a drink

Roz Evily: Cut the act Laura, we all know what a simpering blue-stocking, brown- nose you were at Smith-Wesson

Laura: I know not to what you refer. Do whatever you came to do then get out of my house

Roz:  (snorts) Your house?  That's a laugh. I'm supposed to be dining with Joe Kennedy, so this is his house

Laura: Cut the act Roz (they both look alarmed). Um. Fine (she gestures and is flown up and out)

Olive and OY'l: Hi

Roz: Hi

No No Nanjac enters

No-No Nanjac: Salut you old salope

Roz: Ferde! What's with the get up

No No Nanjac: I dunno. Bored. Leaving now. See you never

Mrs. Mark-My-Words crosses over to the sofa. Olive and OY'l come to greet her

Mrs M: Jews! In this house! Get away from me

Olive: Cut the act Marky Mark, you're Jewish

Mrs. M: How dare you!

OY'l: Well you are wearing a Yarmulke and prayer shawl

Mrs. M: I am NOT. This is a juliet cap and  this is a pashmina. With a star design. It's all the rage

OY'l: Well watch out for the Nasi Goring

Mrs. M: What?

Olive: Oy vey what a shmendrik. She means that Nazi Goering

Mrs. M: Nazis? Is that what you call them? I thought they were... Wait is this Joe Kennedy's house or not?

OY'l:  Well, zei gezunt

Olive: Peace out

JHC: I'm baaaack! Here's Bob 'The Builder' Chitlin. Blew hisself up with an Easy-Bake oven when he was a tot. Underneath those hella bespoke clothes, he's made of lego and is a real rump-shaker

Bob: What-ho. Damn. Wrong adaptation. Hello y'all. Hey Marky, hows that old canker sore you call your husband?

Mrs. M:  What Sid? Or the other one? I never can tell who anyone is talking about these days. But I blame that Lord Nelson fella. He's seems to have....

Bob: Hubba Hubba.  Who in hell is that! Call me Rusty Tromghostkin and set me on fire

Mrs. M: I'm still trying to think and talk at the same time

Bob: Forget you, babe. Whoozat over there in the sexy devil outfit.

Mrs. M: My BFF She's a WASP. Just like me

Bob: Introduce me

Mrs M: Rozzzzzzzzzzzz. It's that guy you wanted to meet

Roz: Well hi there handsome

Bob: Back atcha

Roz: Me too

Mrs. M: Me three

Roz and Bob: Scram
Mrs. M: Is that the same as Scat?
Roz and Bob: Shoo

A tinny voice is heard from backstage: Crew to headset NOW

Bob: So, the famous Mrs. Evily, here, in my house

Roz: Call me Roz

Bob: So, Roz. Here in my house are you

Roz: Fine. Whatever. I need to discuss with you Kruskal's algorithm.  Specifically whether the algorithm in graph theory finds a minimum spanning tree for a connected weighted graph or if the subset of the edges that include every vertex, where the toatl weight of all edges is minimized

Bob: Are you talking about the minimum spanning forest or the greedy algorithm?

Roz:  Well if E is the number of edges and V is the number of vertices, surely the algorithm can be shown to run in O (E log E) time

Bob: Don't forget the equivalent O (E log V) time with a simple data structures

Roz: Right. So if we ignore the isolated vertices, which will each be their own component of the minimum spanning forest then, V log T; E+1, so log V is O (log E).

Bob: Correct

Roz: Enough of the kindergarten material. I want a drink

Bob: Let me show you my etchings
They exit

Tammy enters and sits on sofa.  She starts texting

JHC: I's a goin' to whisper so she don't hear me. So's now it's time to introduce the hero of the piece. Tom "Butch" Goring and he makes me just want to swoon. All the ladies do when they see him.  Not only is he a four-time Stanley Cup winner but he fancies himself as a cowboy- philosopher. Our very own Sam Shepherd but with the longest eyelashes you ever did see. Lordy, lordy I may need to get myself a drink


Tom:  Work is the curse of the drinking class
Tammy: You're late
Tom: To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect
Tammy: What an absurd reason
Tom: All reasons are absurd
Tammy: Whatevs


Olive and OY'l enter. Pushing each other out of the way to get to Tom first


Olive (who is completely out of breath): Why Tom Goring - Are you ever a sight for sore eyes
OY'l: Four eyes more like
Tom: A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal
Olive and OY'l both faint


Gov. Goering enters in a rage


Gov: Off with hiz head! Off with hiz head! Who does he think he is? Verraeter! Verraeter!
Tammy: WTF Gov? Chillax, It's all good
Gov: But zat man thing! He is a traitor, a collaborator! Ve vere listening to Wagner in ze annex und he stood up und left. In der mittel of ein true Bühnenweihfestspiel. Gott in Himmel. Call 999 und hurry.
Tom: Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious
Tammy: Cool it Guv. You aren't in Europe anymore. Remember? (she slaps him. Twice)


Gov: Ja. Das ist recht. Ja, ja. Yes, yes. Mustn't grumble, what?
Chip chip, cheerio. Ladies, would you care to accompany me to the dessert room? Come, come my dears, up off the floor. Looks like you two could eat a horse.
OY'l: I was just dead on my feet
Olive: Me too
OY'l: Governor, the two of us would be delighted to accompany you to the feed bar. But I must warn you, we don't eat
Olive: Well, that's not entirely true OY'l. We do eat, just not in front of anyone
OY'l: Oh that's right. I forgot. Silly ol' me


They exit


Tom: Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life
Tammy: Snap out of it! (she punches him in the stomach)


They exit

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/o/oscar_wilde.html#2fgeMKLzbcLHq3R7.99

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/o/oscar_wilde.html#2fgeMKLzbcLHq3R7.99

It is better to be beautiful than to be good. But... it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/o/oscar_wilde.html#2fgeMKLzbcLHq3R7.99

A White Russian Comedy on the Rocks

The Summer People Cometh

A White Russian Comedy

on the rocks

                         

Characters

Ranevskayaraslaval, GLUBA  Antonionionovna - stuck in the past , bores easily

ANYA, her daughter - keeps getting lost and is studying Japanese

Vavavavavra Mikhailovnomina (VARYA) - a none

Liyonya Liyonyi (GAEV) - delusional snooker player

LOPAKHIN ‘The Tractor’ Ermolaiai - didn’t get into Princeton and is still pissed off

TROFIMOV- son of a pharmacist but it doesn’t matter

DEAR MR PISCHIK - a horse

Lotte Ivanovnononanette (CHARLOTTA) - a wandering minstrel

EPIDURAL S. Panteloonyvich - paints by numbers and decapitates flies

DUNYASHA - daughter of Smirnoff Stoli of Minsk

FIERS - an old man with tourettes

YASHA - cucumber salesman and wine snob

The role of the stage Manager is played by (in this case) Lorna*

*or whomever you wish to embarrass semi-publicly but not our current, brilliant stage manager

The Play starts with the start-up sound of Microsoft XP. Right away the audience will know that they are in for a new, improved and technophobe-friendly production.  

The soundtrack is playing ‘California Dreamin’ and ‘I wish they all could be California girls’.

The music stops abruptly.

A toilet flushes.

Act One

        A barren yet cluttered stage. There is a sofa, 2 chairs. A large rug and a table centre stage. Upstage right is a bookcase on which are a pile of letters and a gun.

LOPAKHIN:   Why didn’t you wake me?

DUNYASHA: You are awake

LOPAKHIN: Get me some kvass, slag

DUNYASHA: Fine [exits giving LOPAKHIN the finger]

[enter EPIDURAL holding a candle and a pair of boots]

EPIDURAL:  Squeak Squeak Squeak say my boots. And then they say it’s either very cold out or it’s the middle of May. I confuse myself and everyone around me. I read a book once on spear fishing in the Arctic but my boots won't quiet and I can’t remember anything. And now I will exit sideways, like a crab, just to be weird.

[Dogs bark]

DUNYASHA: They’re here!They’re here! Here’s your kvass. I’m trembling!

LOPAKHIN [yawning]: Here goes nothing

[DUNYASHA drinks the kvass]

[DUNYASHA and LOPAKHIN exit]

[Dogs bark again]

[The stage is empty]

[The stage is empty]

[The stage is empty]

[Dogs bark]

[FIERS enters with three ‘Hello Kitty’ suitcases]

FIERS:  Tubular bells MY ASS.

[GLUBA, GAEV, ANYA, VARYA, CHARLOTTA, DEAR MR PISCHIK, LOPAKHIN and DUNYASHA enter.

So do 6 latecomers. There is no house manager and the stage manager is in the bathroom.  Everyone stands around looking confused. Finally VARYA ushers them to empty seats where the patrons then start complaining about the sight lines]

GLUBA:  I see dead people

ANYA: Oh mama, how I understand you

VARYA: Everyone must go to sleep. It’s almost time to wake up

FIERS:  It’s a disaster. Just like before. And the time before that. When the owls hooted all night.

GAEV:  Yes, I remember, before the night of the Generals. Balls.  Everywhere. Yellow, red and white.

DEAR MR PISCHIK:  Imagine that!

[A loud train whistle followed by sounds of carriages driving up to the house]

DUNYASHA [wringing her hands]: Oh my. They’ve arrived. I’m so nervous my hands are shaking. Let us go meet them. [looks around and realises everyone has already arrived]. Oh.

[she exits]

[CHARLOTTA takes off her coat and puts it back on again]

CHARLOTTA: MAGIC!

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!

ANYA: I lost all my hairpins!!

CHARLOTTA: MAGIC!

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!

GLUBA: So...where's the fire?

LOPAKHIN: You need to sell the estate to pay the taxes on the debt you incurred from not paying the interest on the taxes that could have indemnified you in perpetuity sub rosa and we close at 5

GAEV: Balls

FIERS: In the olden days.

GAEV: I have an announcement

ANYA and VARYA: Shut up Uncle

GAEV: Silence! I am very pleased to announce that this little bookcase has consented to be my wife!

ALL: Congratulations! Fabulous! Mazal Tov!  Felicitaciones! Who knew? When’s the happy day? More kvass! Champagne!

[VARYA bangs her head against the wall]

[Exeunt Omnes]

[Enter DUNYASHA]

[Dogs barking]

DUNYASHA: Oh me, oh my, what is to become of me

[YASHA rises from the sofa]

DUNYASHA: YASHA! Whoa! Look at you! Hubba hubba! I need some air. Wowza!

YASHA: Who are you?

DUNYASHA: I’m  Feyodor Feyodorovno Kozoyaydovnorovitcher Feyodorskia Kozoyayanitsky’s daughter.

 I’m lusty yet coy.

YASHA: Do you want a cucumber?

DUNYASHA: How dare you! [she slaps him]

[They exit]

[CHARLOTTA enters pushing a wheelbarrow. She takes out an imaginary baguette and waves it around her head three times, bows to the audience and wheels the barrow out]

[A thud is heard from the booth]

[ANYA and TROFIMOV enter]

TROFIMOV: My father was a pharmacist, not that it matters but if he gave me the keys to his chemistry lab, I could go into the poppy business and use the money to free the peasants and open up daycare centres and start the Russian film industry

ANYA: I’m so happy

[They sing ‘I am 16 going on 17’]

END ACT ONE

Act Two

[A drawing of a tree has been hung on the wall to indicate that we are now outside]

DUNYASHA is painting YASHA’s toenails

EPIDURAL is playing the kazoo

CHARLOTTA is twirling plates

CHARLOTTA: Once, a long time ago, a German person told me that  my parents were dead and took me away.

I studied the art of restoring ancient tapestries. Or maybe I didn’t. I don’t know.

My father and mother discovered Mercury. Then they discovered cold fusion and taught me how to freeze ice-cream using only a sieve and a mallett. I just made that up.                    

My passport is made of fairy dust and I have three toes on one hand and and two more toes in my left ear. I have three hips and eat only cauliflower. Kidding, you naive prols. Seriously though, I led church services for orphans whose parents were wiped out in the Valley of the Shadow of Death during the Crimean war. I sang hymns in a creepy sing-song voice and plucked and strangled chickens and made paintings out of feathers and entrails. I’m a fan of John Lee Hooker and wash my hair 4 times a day. I also have migraines and I’m 30% sure I’m still an only child. I would stay away from the lobster bisque if I were you.

EPIDURAL: Kazoos aren’t native to these parts I thought to myself. Maybe a triangle or a tambourine would be more articulated in the place where I stand.  I read books, I can stand on my head, the grass is always greener and I flourish when the capacity of the world is delving towards the native species. I have a gun in my pocket. See?

[he waves his hands around]

[YASHA yawns. Loudly]

[DUNYASHA twirls her hair]

DUNYASHA: Yasha

YASHA: Hm?

DUNYASHA: Yasha

YASHA: What

DUNYASHA: Oh nothing [she giggles]

[A loud train whistle followed by sounds of carriages driving up to the house. The air conditioning goes on]

YASHA: Oh Jesus God. What the fuck?

EPIDURAL: Now I know what to do with my revolver

FIERS [offstage]: You Nicompoop

DUNYASHA: I, I, I...[collapses in giggles]

CHARLOTTA: I’m done. I’m going now.

[Exeunt Omnes]

[Enter GLUBA, GAEV, LOPAKHIN, VARYA and ANYA and DEAR MR PISCHIK]

LOPAKHIN: The estate will be auctioned off and then what will you do?

GLUBA: All this talk is so boring. I want coffee

VARYA: You can’t have coffee now, it’s past noon

[FIERS enters with a samovar]

FIERS: In the olden days we would drink tea like normal people but then came the calamity

GAEV: I’m working at the bank, then my dear little bookcase will be able to stay home

ANYA and VARYA: Dear uncle dear, shut up

GAEV: Balls

FIERS: Thursday

[A cell phone rings. We hear the stage manager say ‘Sorry everyone. I thought I left it in the car’]

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!

[TROFIMOV enters]

TROFIMOV: I’m above love

ANYA: I’m so happy

GLUBA: Are you...can it be? Grisha! Grisha! You have come back to me!

VARYA: Mamochka , no. It is Trofimov. Pyotr. Sergeyevich. A. Student.

DEAR MR PISCHIK: A man of great intellect! Imagine that!

GLUBA: You have betrayed me. Where is God now??

[A bird sings]

GLUBA: Is God on our coins? Let me see.  Alas no. I have but one coin left.  A coin my Trans-Yaroslavl grandmother sent me

LOPAKHIN: Listen to me.  Although I hate all you people, I am giving you one last chance to somehow keep this old junkyard.

FIERS: There used to be a cherry orchard on this very spot but something happened and it is all forgotten now

LOPAKHIN: Exactly. And there is a beautiful deep river [VARYA is making ‘shut up, slitting throat’ gestures but LOPAKHIN ignores her] where the summer people could come and swim and fish and swim deeper and fall asleep on a raft and swim ever deeper...

FIERS: And then the boy drowned

GLUBA: I’m going to cry, scream, or faint. I can’t take it anymore

LOPAKHIN: Exactly what I was going to say

[Music is heard in the distance]

GLUBA: What is that?

GAEV: Do you not remember sister?  It’s the famous...[trying not to laugh]... the famous...[almost guffawing] Jewish Orchestra [he totally loses it]

GLUBA: NO! Really? Jews?? Are you kidding me? They’re still around??? Shut the front door!!!

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Jews! Imagine that!

FIERS:In the olden days, before the calamity, the Jews had horns

[Everyone falls about laughing]

[VARYA stops first]

VARYA: It is time to go in. It’s getting cold and I have to continue being cranky for a few more hours

GLUBA: You need to get....married

VARYA: I want to but [stage whisper] YOU KNOW WHO hasn’t proposed yet

[A Passerby stumbles in, recites Pushkin, burps and leaves]

ANYA: Was that YASHA?

EPIDURAL: Yes, it behooves me to believe it was

ANYA: And who are you?

EPIDURAL: Never mind me. I am a speck of a speck of a speck of dirt under your shoe

[YASHA enters as YASHA]

ANYA: I’m  so happy

VARYA: ANYA! ANYA! WHERE ARE YOU??

ANYA: Here I am

VARYA: ANYA!!! ANYA!! Its’ time to come in. Where ARE you?? ANYA????

YASHA: Morons

END ACT TWO

During the Intermission several actors come on stage and start texting. LOPAKHIN carries a 30oz iced tea from Starbucks. A bench is brought on and placed next to the bookcase cutting off the upstage right exit. Another gun is placed on the bookcase. EPIDURAL stands looking at them. CHARLOTTA cautions the audience to remain silent during the last act.

’It’s Raining Men’ plays

The lights go down and the music changes to The Red Army Chorus singing ‘New York, New York’

Act Three

[DEAR MR PISCHIK and TROFIMOV are discovered on the bench. They are playing a version of ‘patty-cake’]

TROFIMOV: ‘Heidegger n’ Tolstoy sittin’ in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g’.

 The small are always dependent on the great; they are "small" precisely because they think they are independent. The great thinker is one who can hear what is greatest in the work of other "greats" and who can transform it in an original manner.

DEAR MR PISCHIK: I can recite the alphabet backward [He sings, ‘ If I were a Rich Man’]

[VARYA enters]

VARYA: Stop singing. There’s no food. We have no money and people don’t lock the doors.

If no one does what I say, I’ll become a pilgrim and go from town to lousy town complaining and feeling bitter about this joke of a life. Why is Epidural here? Does he live here? There are so many rooms in this house I can’t keep track. And Yasha’s mother has been crouched by the ice box for 2 ½ weeks. What is happening to us. May God forgive us all. ANYA!! Where are you? ANYA! [She exits with a broom]

[The air conditioning goes off]

[GLUBA and CHARLOTTA enter]

GLUBA[with her fingers in her ears]: Tra la la la la I can’t hear you

CHARLOTTA: Is this it? I was going to put on a show but why bother when I only see three people

EPIDURAL: Buckle said that suicide is merely the product of the general condition of society, and that the individual felon only carries into effect what is a necessary consequence of preceding circumstance and I must say that I can only but agree with him

CHARLOTTA: You are invisible to me and let me tell you,I know something about being invisible and alone. And to prove to you how very alone I am I will cover myself with this shawl and stand stock still for the rest of the act

DEAR MR PISCHIK: I’m in love

CHARLOTTA [mumbling under the shawl]: Ich bin ein Berliner. Ja, das ist recht und der u-bahn goest unter der linden und ich think that if ich were as kranky as die reste ov ze familie ich would be as miserable und dumb as thesen dumbkopfs. Meine welt ist dark und ich must finde somvere to live. Und as Gustav Mahler said, ‘Ich lebe wie ein Hottentotten. Ich kann nicht tauschen ein vernünftiges Wort mit jemandem’

DEAR MR PISCHIK: What a temptress!

GLUBA: Petya, come to me and tell me tall tales

PETYA: Why do you not read the telegrammes from Paris? Are you so lazy as to think that the postal workers do not suffer under your indolence? I am a great student although I am constantly amazing myself with the will of the people. Rights for the Peasants! Rights for Women! I’m all in for Suffrage. Stand up for your rights!

I am dizzy with love for the future.

I will now read from ‘Das Kapital’ but will do so in Esperanto. The language of hope!

O Tannenbaum!

[FIERS enters]

 FIERS: In the olden days

[FIERS exits]

[YASHA enters by climbing over the bench]

YASHA: I forgot to give you your dolls

GLUBA: I thought I was feeling undeterred by truth

PETYA: The opiate of the masses is alive and well. My father was a pharmacist. Not that it matters

DEAR MR PISCHIK: I’ve had two strokes and know one or two things about pills. Let me have them and give myself a third and final stroke

YASHA: Strong as a horse. Stupid as a pig

PETYA: In Russia we say; Strong LIKE horse, stupid LIKE pig

YASHA: Oh the ignorance

VARYA [offstage]: Yasha, your mother is waiting

YASHA: Still? Hasn’t she croaked yet. Oh, you foolish old people. Who is it who lets you live. I need a drink [exits]

[GAEV and LOPAKHIN enter laughing]

GAEV: Balls! he said.

LOPAKHIN: Hello, he lied!

GAEV: Proprietary oils are all the rage in Kharkov I hear...

[They both laugh uncontrollably ]

LOPAKHIN:I can’t believe he ate the whole thing...

GAEV [putting on a funny voice]: It smells like Patchouli!!

[They are doubled over, tears running down their faces]

[FIERS enters]

LOPAKHIN: And anchovies!

GAEV: Oh Boo-Hoo! Cry me a herring! [he screams with laughter]

FIERS: Leonid Andreyevich, have you no shame? It is time for your bath and bedtime story

GAEV: Balls

[The air conditioning comes on]

GLUBA: Well, was there an auction or whatever I came all the way from Paris for?

LOPAKHIN: The train was late. It left Znoikov at 3:30 and stopped by Cardamonov. Then it was overtaken by a train that had left Chicago...

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Imagine that!

LOPAKHIN:... going 80 miles per hour which had to wait for the Coastal Starlight to reach Denver. By that time the auction was over and, not to beat a dead horse, the orchard and surrounding lands have been sold!

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Who bought it?

LOPAKHIN: Who do you think?

DEAR MR PISCHIK: I did?

[Charlotta throws the shawl at him]

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Did I?

CHARLOTTA: Get thee to a glue factory [she exits]

LOPAKHIN: Try again

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Um...

GLUBA: So. The Cherry Orchard and surrounding lands sold. If this is truly so, who then,bought it?

LOPAKHIN: I did

[The air conditioning goes off]

GLUBA: Well this has been a waste of time. Yasha! Pack my bags, we’re going back to Paris toot sweet 

END ACT THREE

Act FOUR

‘American Idiot’ plays. A train whistle blows.

Sheets cover both the furniture and Charlotta, who is on stilts. Her sheet has a hole cut out at the mouth in case she decides she wants to speak. She stands very still.

The sound of trees being chopped down comes and goes.

LOPAKHIN [calling offstage]: Come on people. It’s time to go. The train pulls into the station in about [looks at his prop watch which promptly falls off his wrist]...uh, forty-six minutes.  This leaves you [looking at his bare wrist] approximately  twenty-two minutes before the carriages get here. Then you will have just enough time, say about, seventeen minutes or so to sit in the train cafe and attend to various needs before the long trip to Moscow. Or Paris. Wherever you’re going in, um, about forty-four minutes [the audience sighs]

[Yasha enters with some coats. He is distracted]

YASHA: Well I’m here.

LOPAKHIN: Have some champagne [there is no champagne]. Ah, there is no champagne. Maybe someone drank it.

YASHA: What?

LOPAKHIN: The champagne. It is gone.

YASHA: That is correct [turns upstage, facing Lopakhin and says, ‘Lorna freaking farted a most mellifluous fart and we forgot what we were supposed to set. Sorry ‘bout that, man]

LOPAKHIN [shouting]: AHA! But it cost eight whole rubles!!

YASHA: Whatever man. You win some, you lose some.  

[Petya enters]

PETYA: Where are my galoshes?  Anya! Where are my galoshes?

ANYA [offstage]: How the hell should I know? What am I your fucking slave?

YASHA: Honeymoon’s over , I guess.

LOPAKHIN: Whoa! Soooo touchy!

[Lopakhin and Petya exit]

CHARLOTTA: All men are pigs

[Gaev enters]

GAEV: Yikes the women are moody.  Good thing I have my pretend job at the bank. That keeps me out of the house most of the day. I’m going down to the pool hall. Say goodbye to Gluba for me. Don’t tell on me.

[Gaev exits]

[Fiers enters. He is wearing a hospital gown and is carrying a bedpan]

FIERS [calling out]: Leonid Andreyevich, have you no shame? You have forgot to put on your thermal vest. Dear, dear. What price freedom [he shuffles off ]

YASHA: Fiers, you old bent sack of a man, have you no shame. PUT ON SOME UNDERWEAR. God I hate old people.

[Dunyasha enters. Her face is scrunched up and she is wringing her hands]

YASHA: Now what?

DUNYASHA: Yasha

YASHA: Mm?

DUNYASHA: Oh Yasha. Why don’t you love me anymore?

YASHA: What’s that?

DUNYASHA: Did you ever notice that...I’m too shy to say it out loud...

YASHA: Oh Christ. What is it woman?

DUNYASHA: Um.. have you ever noticed that, like, our names are, like, almost the same? You know, Yasha-DunYasha.

YASHA: Your point being?

DUNYASHA: Like, maybe we’re, like, meant to be with each other and stuff

YASHA: No. We aren’t [suddenly serious] Look, this place bores the crap out of me and I’ve got a free ride back to Paris. I have a life there and you belong here. Learn to love the little things, be of good service and above all, don’t cry. It does no one any good. [Dunyasha cries] I don’t love you and it’s not me, it’s you. I have aspirations, you have none. I have to go now, but in parting,  I can offer you a juicy cucumber

DUNYASHA: You’re a bastard and I hate you

YASHA: A bastard, yes. But a bastard with a heart of gold

[Dunyasha slaps him, he kisses her hand and they exit. ]

The ‘Doctor Zhivago’ soundtrack begins playing

[Lopakhin enters]

LOPAKHIN:  Where is everyone?

[Gluba enters]

GLUBA: It’s almost time to go. I’m leaving. We’ll never see each other again but we won’t forget. We can’t ever forget.  Anya! Varya! Come! I was young once and so very beautiful...

LOPAKHIN: Well, if you ever need anything...

[Anya and Varya enter]

ANYA: Mother dear.  You are off to Paris and I am off to study the Haiku. When shall we see each other again? Life can be so beautiful and filled with happiness. I’m crying because I’m happy. Goodbye Mr Lopakhin. Take good care of this place. It holds many happy memories. I wish you all the best.

Sayonara, house. Sayonara, room. Sayonara, cow jumping over the moon. Sayonara, three little bears sitting on chairs. Sayonara, two little kittens and a pair of mittens. Goodbye. Goodbye. Goodbye. I am so happy.

[Anya exits]

VARYA: Well.

GLUBA: Well, well

LOPAKHIN:  Well, well, well

GLUBA: Oh, silly me. I have forgot my... [she exits]

[Awkward silence]

LOPAKHIN: Where will you go Vavariya Mikahelnovnva?

VARYA: Oh, I’m off to the Convent of the Ragulins, I guess. Nothing else seems to be in the offing.

LOPAKHIN: Ah. When will you leave?

VARYA: Soon. Very Soon. Well soonish.  As soon as I’ve found my... now where did I put it.

Did I put in in a trunk?

Did I put it in a tree?

I’ve looked in both

Yet cannot see.

Did I put it in a cup?

Did I feed it to a pup?

Did I throw it down a well?

Did I use it as a bell?

It’s very strange how things get lost

One might suspect a bright riposte

As answer to eternal quests

Is it outside?

Inside at rest?

I do not know

What I have done

I could have schemed

Or screamed

Or run

But lest we all forget the theme

Which is the ancient word for meme

I seek it here

I seek it there

Come see this Orchard

At The Pear

For though we are as mortals be

Our laughter, fears and Fiers....

OH MY GOD. Where is Fiers???

Is he in the hospital? And what about the letter that was supposed to go with him.

Why do I always have to do everything myself

[Varya stomps off]

[Gluba enters]

GLUBA: Well it’s time to go

LOPAKHIN: Yes, it’s time to go

GLUBA: Let’s go

[Epidural enters. Hat in hand]

LOPAKHIN: Ah! There you are

EPIDURAL: Yes. Here I am. As usual. A beating awaits my every step.

GLUBA: Dear Epidural, what will  you do? Where will you go?

[The lights come down and Epidural steps into a spotlight and misses]

EPIDURAL [in a monotone]: I have this hat but what good has it done me.  All I do is wait. Wait for what though. That is the question. Oh ha ha ha. I could have been a contender. You looking at me? Here’s looking at you! I was born a poor black child and everyday a new disaster befalls me. I bet you were all waiting to hear that line and jokes about the 22 disasters or the 47% or the 99%.  I am just a poor boy, though my story’s seldom told. I am leaving, I am leaving. I am gone

[Exeunt pursued by a bear]

[Lights partially come up]

[The sound of a very large door being locked is heard]

LOPAKHIN: Well then.

[Dear Mr Pischik runs in. He is out of breath]

GLUBA: Dear Mr Pischik!  Do sit down [she looks around for a chair but as everything is covered in sheets, no chairs are to be seen]. Oh.

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Such good news! A most unusual thing! My daughter won the lottery! Imagine that!

[General confusion and happiness]

GLUBA: How wonderful. But, you have a daughter?

LOPAKHIN: The lottery eh? So you didn’t work for it.  I’ll take your daughter as payment.

DEAR MR PISCHIK: I can die now

FIERS [offstage]: That’s my line

DEAR MR PISCHIK: Yes of course. What an unusual day. I am going to take a cart into town to celebrate. Goodbye dear  lady.

[He exits and re-enters]

Just call me Mr. Ed

[He dies]

Imagine that!

[He dies again]

GLUBA: Goodbye dear house, I must be going.

LOPAKHIN: Yes please, it is time to go. I have orchards to clear cut and rivers to pollute. Come now, we mustn't be late for the train.

[They leave]

[Charlotta jumps off her stilts]

CHARLOTTA: I’ll wear this sheet and go around the countryside scaring the little people. Then I’ll make my way to Hollywood, and wait for the Pictures to get small

[She leaves]

[Fiers enters and sits on a bench]

FIERS: I’ll just sit here. A diversion will come along and what do we do? We let it go to waste...In an instant all will vanish and we’ll be alone once more, in the midst of nothingness!

[A tree falls]

[No one hears it]

THE END