Resolved Question from:
Who is the idiot who created Romeo and Juliet?
Rome and Juliet are fake. Why do people love them so much?
Well, Harumph!
House of Catapults:
Lord Catapult - Speaks with deep southern accent
Lady Catapult - Got married at 12. Smokes, drinks and thirteen years later, looks 75
Juliet - Dim bulb. Wears a pink tutu and walks on her tiptoes
Tybalt - A cat and frequent lover of Lady CatapultNurse - Chatterbox and drama queen
Peter - The local postman
House of the Montague:
Lord “Monty” Montague - A Barmpot. Thinks he's the Scarlet Pimpernel
Lady Montague - Head of Household and, therefore, no time to appear in this production
Romeo - Drippy son. Wets his bed and cries a lot
Batviola - Voice of reason, unfortunately no one pays her any attention, barely gets a word out
The Greeks:
Prince Escallopes, a Mononym - Speaks through a megaphone
Mercrunchio - Constantly annoyed that everyone mispronounces his name. Often dresses as a priest and hangs around hospitals.
Has a brother called Valentine (look it up) who is busy doing Two Gentlemen down the street
Paris - Capital of France
Clergy and other drug pushers:
Father Laurence Margaret - Says he’s a Priest. Knows he's a Souse
Apothecary/ 1st Witch/Rude Mechanical
Ensemble: Prologue aka Apologia, Abraham, Lincoln, Jefferson, Gwendolyn, Cecily, Ted and Alice
Crew:
The Two Sparkys -On meds Sparky who spends much of the time tearing her hair out, and banging head against the wall and Off meds Sparky her evil twin (Creepy Sparky) the Master(bation) Electrician who creeps around the trailers asking the women if they’re naked
Production Manager - Would be member of The Schutz-Staffel and Class A Misogynist
Light Board Operator - His Mother
5:30 Cast arrives. Trailers are locked. No one will open them
5:45 Trailers opened. Fight call. Hannah misses the call due to non-working speakers
5:50 Creepy Sparky starts peering in the windows
6:00 Music starts: Muzak versions of the following: Born Free, 1812 Overture,Rebel Yell
6:15 Audience clamors for seats but are driven out by the music
6:55: Places supposedly called
7:00 Manic Speech by one of the Executive Team
7:07 Places
{Directors note: All who enter and exit the stage must do so in a SINGLE LINE at ALL TIMES}
Act 1 Scene 1
Enter Catapults and Montagues etc.
APOLOGIA:
Here we stand, in the Beautiful City of Verona (indicates set) in 1960’s Manhattan, um, and, well, here we are. Um. And for about 2 hours, since we have to vamoose by 9:45, you’ll watch a story that has been better told by others that have gone before us.
But never mind that now.
Eat, Drink and be Merry, for fortune’s of, um, war and strife befalls our merry band of players.
We present our little diddy with alacrity and, well, whatever.
Van Morrison Greatest Hits plays
GWENDOLYN: (giggling) If this is coffee give me tea
CECILY: (also giggling) If this is tea give me coffee
All Fight
PETER: Call the Prince, Call the Prince
ENSEMBLE: Rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb
Enter Prince fiddling with his megaphone
PRINCE What now Minions?
ENSEMBLE: (murmuring) Nothing, nothing
MERCHRUNCHIO: Someone bit my thumb
SAMPSON: Did not
MERCHRUNCHIO: Did too
SAMPSON: Uh uh
BATVIOLA: T.....
PRINCE: Place a Plaque on both your houses. See it gets done. Depart from my sight, Carrions!
Exeunt Omnes
Re-enter Batviola with Romeo
ROMEO: Ah me. What time is it
BATVIOLA: I.....
ROMEO: I’m bored. Where shall we eat
BATVIOLA: H.....
ROMEO: Ah me
Scene 2
Lord Catapult and Paris are standing behind a large office table
They shake hands
Scene 3
Lady Cap is getting a massage from Tybalt
Nurse is talking to a wall
LADY CAP: More Vermouth. Harder, Harder. That’s right. Mmm
TYBALT: Grr
NURSE: Mutter mutter mutter..and then she said, ‘I wouldn't know if it were him or her what wanted the eggs over easy, but what do I know? Yes Mutter mutter mutter. With Mrs. Whatshername, you know the one. The one from the town over the hill mutter mutter mutter
LADY CAP: Nurse!. Stop muttering and come over here
NURSE: What do you want you stupid cow
LADY CAP: Where’s my simpering daughter?
NURSE: How should I know
LADY CAP: Oh for god’s sake
TYBALT: Grr
Juliet enters via a ladder
JULIET: Did you call, Mother?
LADY CAP: Fetch my robe. And then sit somewhere.
Peter enters with robe
No one speaks
Juliet twirls
LADY CAP: Put my robe on me very slowly while I writhe around
PETER: Yes Madam
NURSE: Me too! me too!
PETER: This is making me more than uncomfortable. I quit
He exits. From production
LADY CAP: So, daughter. You’re almost 14
NURSE: I have 4 teeth. Must get me to some dentistry
LADY CAP: Shut up Nurse. Juliet, dove,Time to get married. We’re sending you to Paris
NURSE: Oooh aren’t you a lucky ducky. Paris! City of eternal night and eternal spring.
And marzipan mice, and edible flowers and Ménage à however many you want and I met Sartre. We talked of the flood and I remember the esprit d’escalier and the green fairy and..
LADY CAP: Shut up you old hag
NURSE: Oui Madame. My real name is Simone de Belle Reve (she turns back to the wall and makes shadow figures)
LADY CAP: I’m wiped. Tybalt, carry me to my bedchamber
TYBALT: You betcha
Juliet twirls
Scene 4
A square downtown
KC and the Sunshine Band plays
Merchrunchio, Romeo, Batviola and Abraham are playing Gin Rummy
MERCHRUNCHIO: Gin. Again. What’s wrong with you people. This isn’t a difficult game
ROMEO: You mean a hard game
MERCHRUNCHIO: As hard as a cock!
ROMEO: A cock that has no feathers!
ABRAHAM: A cock that has no roost!
They laugh
ROMEO: Privy cuz, dost thou see the seed on my blade
BATVIOLA: I.do...
MERCHRUNCHIO: Draw and be held a dripping wench
ROMEO: Methinks I need to nap
ABRAHAM: On your sword!
MERCHRUNCHIO: Anonymonymous bequeeth me such a thrusting s'ward!
They laugh and slap their knees
Peter enters
Batviola points at him. All look alarmed
PETER: Ahoy my Maties. I trow you might as like a maske'd ball
MERCHRUNCHIO: Quit thy whining and show us your goods [sotto voce, 'Who are you? What happened to the other Peter? Why are you dressed as a Pirate?]
ROMEO: Pay him no heed, but soft, is that a letter in your hand?
PETER: It is, It is. But in drawings only as I cannot read
ROMEO: But soft and begorrah! I can! foul fellow. Handeth me this tome via the entire audience and we will stand a waiting whilst the time is eaten up with such foul direction
The letter is passed through the audience in silence
MERCHRUNCHIO: Ah, Queen Mab, where art though now? Whilst we merrily wait this untimely note I will woo thee with a sow's ear and call you Miss Fancy Pants.To sleep is just another way of wearing out your welcome with the fairies.
Ay - She of the forest dwells and in your head her fullness swells
To dream of wheat and cream and whey and crackle oats
In a bowl no bigger than a finger bowl,
If your finger was the size of a silver salver.
Order not of a Pimm’s cup made of lemon juice for the cucumber root ekes
Out the essence of a ligament from a nearby dung heap.
Thumbelina, Queen of Nuts, floats downstream, aligns herself with our self same sister Rosaline.
And mere Ophelia adjusts and wanks - she cannot hands keep out of pants.
An ale for you and one for me, thrice snorted fairy dust among us lies, and down
The trenchant butterfly, she comes a-creeping through the wood and finds... you bloated
And limbs all out, your fly has made a special card, for one to read, it is not hard.
But by and by the the Spaniards come and bearing wives-tales, they snigger, misunderstood.
For who of us that will not sigh can catch a twinkle on the sly.
I mean a Twinkie® when all’s said and done and even now the day has come,
And we a-jesting from this place - my hand on tush beneath the dram and this is what a lamb I Am.
For call me Charles the Lamb of yore and dum-de-dum de-dum-de-daw.
ROMEO: Well there’s a cock for you, my three -legged friend!
BATVIOLA: So...
ROMEO: But soft, the butt-shaft of a letter spent has writ down here in merriment. (There is giggling in the audience) A mask'd ba'll. Hey Ho!
MERCHRUNCHIO: Let’s to the party go and fill our hats with wine
They fall about laughing. Batviola looks pissed.
('They said Butt Shaft' is heard in audience)
Scene 5
Auld Lang Syne plays
The entire cast mills about downstage centre as if they were a crowd of hundred. They mime drinking and smoking. They laugh boldly yet silently
Lord Catapult goes to the table and stands on it
LORD CATAPULT: Mah Friends, I shur am glad to see all you fahne gentlepersons enjoying ma likker. Now dontcha be shy, throw yer legs over yer shoulders and hee-haw ‘til dawn.
Cast lugubriously pairs off and dances.
JULIET: Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! Nurse! There’s a guy looking at me
NURSE: Time for bed
JULIET: But it’s not midnight yet
NURSE: It’s not friggin’ New Years either.
JULIET: I’m yawning now. Look (she yawns)
Scene 6 The Balcony Scene
ROMEO: He jests at scars that never felt a wound. Neither a borrower or a lender be
Juliet appears on the ladder. She sneezes
ROMEO: She sneezes! O sneeze again my Teen Angel.
Teen Angel, can you see me?
Are you somewhere up above,
And am I still your own true love?
JULIET: O Romeo, Romeo! wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet
Audience claps. Juliet curtsies
(teenage boys in audience snort and laugh saying, ‘She said Butt Sworn’)
ROMEO: I’ll take thee at thy word; Call me but love (teen boys totally lose it).
Um, call me but love, I mean, call me but…..love and I’ll be new baptised,
(‘as a BUTT’ is heard from the audience)
Henceforth I never will be Romeo
(‘No you’ll be a BUTT’)
Romeo runs off stage crying.
Juliet does a handstand
Scene 7
Friar Laurence is in his cell banging on the bars with a crucifix
LAURENCE: Are you there God? It's me, Margaret! Ah Forsaken! but what news is this?
Who's there?
Romeo enters
ROMEO: It's me, Maggie!
LAURENCE: Who?
ROMEO: It is I, father, mother, husband wife
LAURENCE: Romeo! Thou ballsy fool. What dost thou here?
ROMEO: I have solved the riddle of peace in our time
LAURENCE: Awash! How is this?
ROMEO: I am in love with Juliet. From across the street
LAURENCE:Call me Butt Love - All is well in Verona tonight
ROMEO: See ya! Wouldn't want to be ya!
Scene 8
Montagues enter.
Batviola trips and falls
MERCHRUNCHIO: Falls't upon thy Butt? Thou hottest of hot messes! Thou confus'd me. Art thou a girl or a guy? Tell me true. I canst not layest thee if I know not. Well if thou wilt not answer, riddle me this; Where is yon Romeo?
LORD MONTAGUE (thinks he's disguised as Ensemble): I seek him here, I seek him there, that son of mine aint anywhere.
MERCHRUNCHIO: Wherfeore ist art tart of tardy lands?
Romeo Enters
BATVIOLA: Here Comes Romeo! Here Comes Romeo!
Ensemble freeze
BATVIOLA: Here Comes Romeo! Here Comes Romeo!
Romeo and Merchrunchio look concerned
BATVIOLA: HERE COMES ROMEO! HERE COMES ROMEO!
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Batviola flees into the woods
Audience Applauds
Enter Nurse in dressed in a trenchcoat and a hat made of fish.
To be continued.....
