 |
| Savage Water |
Ou sonts les lapins d'antan? Avec la plume de ma tante? Non? Avec la vache qui rit ou la vache qui vol?
(that last bit - the flying cow - came from a discussion that encompassed; Cyrano de Bergerac, the Yom Kippur War, sounds a cow makes in languages other than English, and cheese)
My French sucks and I keep begging Ambrose to speak to me in Hebrew AS IF I'D UNDERSTAND it anymore.
How thoroughly depressing is it to have forgotten an entire language.
I mainly speak Hebrew as though I had tourettes. A word will come flying out of the deepest parts of my mind without any prompting.
Kelev! Melafephon! Marpek!
Wish I could blame it on the fact that I was in a car accident 3 days ago. Not serious at all, for me. Meaning I'm fine, my car and the 5K it's going to cost to fix and my rental has been pre-paid by the poor woman who hit me. She made an illegal u-turn into me as I was toodling down the street thinking how pretty everything looked, when I actually had the experience of suddenly hearing myself say, 'Holy Crap I was just hit by a car'. Something very satisfying in that.
D____ (the other driver), was not only uninsured, but was driving her boyfriend's brand new Jaguar and from the evidence of his fancy-schmancy insurance, he seemed to be a cop.
Of course my cell 'phone (yes I've given up calling it my 'mobile', because really, what's the point) was squawking at me, 'low battery, re-charge', so all the spectacular photos of the Jag looking like a horror show, never materialized.
So am using this as an explanation for my mind turning to mush.
Last year at this time, my mind was very much engaged. Engaged in study and the accompanying jitters of speaking Aramaic to a crowd of 300 or so. A packed house.
In the past, I have had the chance to spew a page-full of Latin to a paying audience, as well as two pages of semi-Creole/Shakespearean malarky to a smaller yet more-expensive-ticket holding audience, so this Aramaic business should have been a snap. And truth be told, it was. As was reading Torah.
What was slightly more difficult to explain was the fact that since I was already 'out' as an atheist (and, according to my-then Rabbi, heretic), becoming an adult Bat Mitzvah seemed somehow, well, heretical.
But no. The 18 month course of study was the closest I've come to doing anything remotely academic since, um,1977 (no, I DON'T call my six-week stint at law-school as academic) and I loved it.
Of course I was completely immersed in my Jewish self.
Especially given that I had been working at a synagogue for 7 years, and even though I thought to myself every day, 'Good god {excuse me
'GOOD G-d', jeez, you'd think I'd have got that down by now}, what would dad say and
how do I explain that I work at a religious institution to my 'normal'
friends?'
A culmination? A life-changing experience?
A chance to throw down the gauntlet and shake my fist at an invisible paternal hand?
A cloggy dance?
Nope, none of the above.
I spent my time honing skills in other, more down-to-earth ways. Gathering knowledge that will come in handy when I start my next job as an international spy; Forging signatures, working around the red-tape of the U.S Post office, calling the bomb squad to blow up packages that were tied up with string. Those were a few of my favourite things.
I also got to field questions for which I had no reasonable or educated answer such as:
(from non-congregants i.e the general public)
What's a Jew?
Is this a Church?
Where can I buy Herring?
What are the schools like around here?
Can you recommend a singles group?
Is there a good kosher restaurant in Prague?
Why doesn't El Al fly from San Francisco?
Someone on the radio talked about a book about a Jewish man who walked all the way from Kurdistan to Bombay, what's it called?
Do you guys have to wear special clothes?
If Jesus was Jewish why don't you pray to him?
Questions from Congregants were just as …..what would be the right word...........oh never mind.
Here's a sample:
I lost my earring sometime in the last month, do you have it?
Why don't you speak Yiddish?
When is the 2nd Seder in 2013?Can you explain why we can have meat for one course, and as long as we go into another room ,we can have cheesecake for dessert?
What's my Hebrew name?
Why can't you take a donation over the 'phone for less than $400? It's a donation. Why are you balking at $18? Will the machine break or something?
I hated the food last Saturday.
Can you tell me where the fabric for the seats in the Sanctuary came from, and I need the answer this afternoon.
Can you discuss the modal customs of cantillation? (could fudge that as was a music major)
Of course I also had to fake-speak German for those times when we were confused with the Bethel Lutheran Church down the road. And a Spanish-Italian blend for those convinced that we were the west coast arm of Bethel University of St. Paul.
Actually, Fake German is kinda Yiddish, just as Dutch is like a ghastly English dialect (sorry Dutch friends).
Now I just have to figure out how much Hebrew I can fake so I can be all intelligent n'stuff about stuff.
Man o' man am I ever gonna be a great spy
p.s - If you saw this what would your first reaction be?
 |
| not a bunny |
