Act 1
Where we find out exactly who is who and who they think they are
Lights come up. Sounds of a party. Laughter, glasses clinking.
The Chipmunk, sung by David Seville and the Chipmunks is playing in the distance.
A voice comes over the loudspeaker: 'Crew to headset please. Crew to headset'
Lights go off.
Lights come back on
Jefferson "Hussein" Clinton carrying a tray of drinks saunters downstage.
JHC: Give me your tired, your poor. Hold up now. You ain't poor. I knows that for a fact.
So scratchy scratch that ole poem and let's start this shit again.
Howdy, howdy, howdy white folks. I bet you is a scared bunch of crackers trying to figure out what this black man is doing here. Well let me let you in on a little ole secret. Mah name is Jefferson "Hussein" Clinton. Now doncha all go and get your panties in a twist 'cause mah middle name is Hussein. That's just a shortcut. Mah real name, for reals is Tor Omorade Obafemi Negasi Khari Damba Adeyemi but my nickname is Hussein which means 'little kitten'. So quit your bellyaching and let's get on with the show.
I've been hired in this here house to be the valet or somethin'. Ain't entirely clear since I'm not sure what this cat is doing in this hugger-mugger town. But what the hey. I have fun making fun of you people, so let's start the introducin'!
Lights go out
JHC: Sheeyt man
Lights come up
Lanky Laura Chiltern stands on a pedestal down stage left
JHC: Let's start with our hostess.
There she is Miss America for all the world to see. She's made out of ice and I have to move her into the dining room and scoop some caviar onto the hem of her gown in a minute but first, here come two of Washington's most annoying wives.
Olive and OY'l. Members of the Yiddish Choristers often seen 'round town dressed as a pantomime horse.
Olive: I'm bored
OY'l: I'm bored
Olive: I said it first
OY'l: But I said it last, so I'm right
Olive: No you're not
OY'l: Am two
Olive: That's supposed to be too
OY'l: What is
Olive: It's too not two
OY'l: (all of a sudden in a deep Mississippi accent) (you mean dialect) (No, I mean accent)
Now I just do not know whaaaat you are speaking about Olive. And I need to sit down.
She sits on the stairs
OY'l: Now thaat's better
Olive: I don't know what to do. You're sitting. I'm standing. I'm confused.
No No Nanjac enters
No No Nanjac: Being confused is so boring
JHC: That's No No Nanjac. A doppler effect
No No Nanjac: Excuse me while I go and find a boring drink. A budweiser, perhaps? Or maybe tap water or watered down orange juice. Ah, life is barely worth thinking about.
Olive: Don't I just have the best dress ever!
OY'l: Mine's like a burlap bag.
Olive: I KNOW
OY'l: I hate you
Olive: I know
No No Nanjac exits.
Governor Captain General Goering is seen at the top of the stairs
JHC: And now we have our resident Nazi. Things ought to look up from here on.
Governor Goering! Willkommen, bienvenue, welcome! Fremde, etranger, stranger. Gluklich zu sehen, je suis enchante. Happy to see you, bleibe, reste stay...
Governor Goering walks down the stairs to Olve and OY'l
Governor Goering: Guden Abend, bon soir, We geht's? Comment ca va?
Olive and Oy'l: We're not Jewish
Governor Goering: Never thought you were. Too stupid.
OY'l to Olive: Is that two stupid or what? I'm going to cry
Olive: Shut up already
Tammy Teenager enters. She's on the 'phone
JHC: Now heeeere's one piece of ass I wouldn't be caught dead with. This little one has a penchant for BDSM. She looks like Mary Pickford but don't you be taken in by her charms 'cause she'll cut you. Seriously. I mean it. Stay away. Like really.
Tammy: OMG. Totally. NO WAY. oh oh POS. TT4N
Hey Guv. Where's your naughty son? No offense.
Governor Goering: None taken. Aber Ich don't know vere he ist.
They continue to chat as Mrs. Mark-My-Words and Roz Evily enter. Mrs Mark-My-Words is clad in all sable and Roz Evily in all red. She has a tail and horns and frogs come out of her mouth when she speaks.
JHC: Mrs. Mark-My-Words is...um.. has...hair. Here she is. Hair...sheeyt. And may I introduce Roz Evily to everyone but Lanky Laura
Mrs Mark-My-Words: Laura. Laura! Come down off that thing and say hello to my new best friend Roz Evily
Laura speaks and pearls fall from her mouth. She's also sprouted angel wings
Laura: I'm surprised she hasn't changed her name by now
Mrs Mark-My-Words: Oh Laura, really. Drinks. Hey You! Boy! Bring me a drink
Roz Evily: Cut the act Laura, we all know what a simpering blue-stocking, brown- nose you were at Smith-Wesson
Laura: I know not to what you refer. Do whatever you came to do then get out of my house
Roz: (snorts) Your house? That's a laugh. I'm supposed to be dining with Joe Kennedy, so this is his house
Laura: Cut the act Roz (they both look alarmed). Um. Fine (she gestures and is flown up and out)
Olive and OY'l: Hi
Roz: Hi
No No Nanjac enters
No-No Nanjac: Salut you old salope
Roz: Ferde! What's with the get up
No No Nanjac: I dunno. Bored. Leaving now. See you never
Mrs. Mark-My-Words crosses over to the sofa. Olive and OY'l come to greet her
Mrs M: Jews! In this house! Get away from me
Olive: Cut the act Marky Mark, you're Jewish
Mrs. M: How dare you!
OY'l: Well you are wearing a Yarmulke and prayer shawl
Mrs. M: I am NOT. This is a juliet cap and this is a pashmina. With a star design. It's all the rage
OY'l: Well watch out for the Nasi Goring
Mrs. M: What?
Olive: Oy vey what a shmendrik. She means that Nazi Goering
Mrs. M: Nazis? Is that what you call them? I thought they were... Wait is this Joe Kennedy's house or not?
OY'l: Well, zei gezunt
Olive: Peace out
JHC: I'm baaaack! Here's Bob 'The Builder' Chitlin. Blew hisself up with an Easy-Bake oven when he was a tot. Underneath those hella bespoke clothes, he's made of lego and is a real rump-shaker
Bob: What-ho. Damn. Wrong adaptation. Hello y'all. Hey Marky, hows that old canker sore you call your husband?
Mrs. M: What Sid? Or the other one? I never can tell who anyone is talking about these days. But I blame that Lord Nelson fella. He's seems to have....
Bob: Hubba Hubba. Who in hell is that! Call me Rusty Tromghostkin and set me on fire
Mrs. M: I'm still trying to think and talk at the same time
Bob: Forget you, babe. Whoozat over there in the sexy devil outfit.
Mrs. M: My BFF She's a WASP. Just like me
Bob: Introduce me
Mrs M: Rozzzzzzzzzzzz. It's that guy you wanted to meet
Roz: Well hi there handsome
Bob: Back atcha
Roz: Me too
Mrs. M: Me three
Roz and Bob: Scram
Mrs. M: Is that the same as Scat?
Roz and Bob: Shoo
A tinny voice is heard from backstage: Crew to headset NOW
Bob: So, the famous Mrs. Evily, here, in my house
Roz: Call me Roz
Bob: So, Roz. Here in my house are you
Roz: Fine. Whatever. I need to discuss with you Kruskal's algorithm. Specifically whether the algorithm in graph theory finds a minimum spanning tree for a connected weighted graph or if the subset of the edges that include every vertex, where the toatl weight of all edges is minimized
Bob: Are you talking about the minimum spanning forest or the greedy algorithm?
Roz: Well if E is the number of edges and V is the number of vertices, surely the algorithm can be shown to run in O (E log E) time
Bob: Don't forget the equivalent O (E log V) time with a simple data structures
Roz: Right. So if we ignore the isolated vertices, which will each be their own component of the minimum spanning forest then, V log T; E+1, so log V is O (log E).
Bob: Correct
Roz: Enough of the kindergarten material. I want a drink
Bob: Let me show you my etchings
They exit
Tammy enters and sits on sofa. She starts texting
JHC: I's a goin' to whisper so she don't hear me. So's now it's time to introduce the hero of the piece. Tom "Butch" Goring and he makes me just want to swoon. All the ladies do when they see him. Not only is he a four-time Stanley Cup winner but he fancies himself as a cowboy- philosopher. Our very own Sam Shepherd but with the longest eyelashes you ever did see. Lordy, lordy I may need to get myself a drink
Tom: Work is the curse of the drinking class
Tammy: You're late
Tom: To expect the unexpected shows a thoroughly modern intellect
Tammy: What an absurd reason
Tom: All reasons are absurd
Tammy: Whatevs
Olive and OY'l enter. Pushing each other out of the way to get to Tom first
Olive (who is completely out of breath): Why Tom Goring - Are you ever a sight for sore eyes
OY'l: Four eyes more like
Tom: A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal
Olive and OY'l both faint
Gov. Goering enters in a rage
Gov: Off with hiz head! Off with hiz head! Who does he think he is? Verraeter! Verraeter!
Tammy: WTF Gov? Chillax, It's all good
Gov: But zat man thing! He is a traitor, a collaborator! Ve vere listening to Wagner in ze annex und he stood up und left. In der mittel of ein true Bühnenweihfestspiel. Gott in Himmel. Call 999 und hurry.
Tom: Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious
Tammy: Cool it Guv. You aren't in Europe anymore. Remember? (she slaps him. Twice)
Gov: Ja. Das ist recht. Ja, ja. Yes, yes. Mustn't grumble, what?
Chip chip, cheerio. Ladies, would you care to accompany me to the dessert room? Come, come my dears, up off the floor. Looks like you two could eat a horse.
OY'l: I was just dead on my feet
Olive: Me too
OY'l: Governor, the two of us would be delighted to accompany you to the feed bar. But I must warn you, we don't eat
Olive: Well, that's not entirely true OY'l. We do eat, just not in front of anyone
OY'l: Oh that's right. I forgot. Silly ol' me
They exit
Tom: Fathers should be neither seen nor heard. That is the only proper basis for family life
Tammy: Snap out of it! (she punches him in the stomach)
They exit
